And because late night musings tend to be not very clear and somewhat too unfiltered (not to mention filled with my - usually carefully wrapped - hate for humanity and my own shortcomings) to be featured on one's profile page, here's a slightly more concise version of yesterday's ramblings:
For starters, I got my Master's degree! Gods know it took way too long to finish the thesis, and it's still far from what I wanted it to be, but apparently it's good enough for the highest marks anyway.
Apparently it's also good enough for triple requests/recommendations for my starting a PhD. Which... is a good thing.
Or it would be, if I didn't have a full time job in a publishing house, a part-time of sorts as a journalist, several books lined up to proofread, and a sadly unpaid editor-in-chiefness to poison my every day. With duties like these, even the external PhD seems to be impossible.
But while most of my current obligations bring home money, if not always joy, meeting several of my lecturers again and walking through the university halls made me realize how desperately I miss academia, even if I am usually too busy to think about it for too long. And I can hardly pretend that my current life doesn't have its own problems, or that I enjoy everything I do. My main job is fine, and I've always loved to proofread, even though I would prefer quality books over the literary fast food my employer feeds the readers (and they love it!). Writing is a bit harder, because I always liked and disliked it at the same time, and as much fun as weaving words together is, it can also turn boring way too quickly for an activity born of one's own will.
But my webzine. I fucking hate it. It's a torrent of problems and emails and articles and deadlines every day and for some reason my editors and staff tend to act like 5 yo children who need their momma to sort everything out. I only took the position of the editor-in-chief for the challenge of rebuilding the site, but I hate dealing with people, and it's people who tend to mess up the plans I make for the zine and then it's just the same cycle all over again. Bottom line: even though I do rather well, I'm probably not cut for this, and more importantly, I don't have any desire to spend more time on this.
So, something needs to change. I am not the type to keep doing something I have no interest in. I have so many books yet to open; games to play; places to be; and I would like to start writing a monster of a Baldur's Gate fanfic that a friend of mine is eager to read. With all these, I'm thinking there's no time left for bothering with boring and repetitive projects - games of ordinary life that stopped being interesting a few months in. I'm not the type to drop unfinished work, either, but what do you do when the work in question can never be truly finished? Do I break free? I think I will.
And I might just try out for the PhD. After all, studying philosophy has so far brought me the most happiness in my life, and I don't seem to be able to give it up yet. And after I hopelessly tried to turn to more practical matters in life instead of pondering medieval philosophy and astronomy, I'm realizing that I'd drop anything and everything just to run back to that particular abyss of knowledge for knowledge itself. Seven years, and I am still hooked. Well played, my dear alma mater. Well played.